


Call Me Wild Thing

by Electra_XT



Category: The Umbrella Academy (TV)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Getting Together, Jealousy, M/M, Sibling Incest
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-05
Updated: 2020-10-05
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:14:18
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26828689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Electra_XT/pseuds/Electra_XT
Summary: “Diego’s been screwing guys who look exactly like you,” Klaus said.“True,” Five said.“He acts embarrassed when you encounter him with one of these lookalikes,” Klaus said.“True,” Five said.“You want to bang him,” Klaus said.Five hesitated.
Relationships: Number Five | The Boy/Diego Hargreeves
Comments: 22
Kudos: 280





	Call Me Wild Thing

**Author's Note:**

> Based loosely on [this Tumblr prompt.](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/post/630173094595674112/imagine-pre-fiego-being-established-where-diego) Thanks, anon!
> 
> Title from “ST. PERCY” by Brockhampton.
> 
> Five’s aged up to mid-20s as always— picture this as an AU where all the apocalypses have been taken care of and they’re all bopping around the Academy as they begin to figure out their lives. Also, Diego got a haircut. I mention that for my own peace of mind, but if you’d rather picture him long and shaggy, who am I to stop you?

The atrium was quiet at one in the morning.

“Your move,” Five said, placing his queen.

Luther studied the board, eyes tracking over the empty squares. He reached down with one hand and moved his knight.

Five set down his bishop, taking Luther’s pawn.

Luther inclined his head, picking up his rook.

Five chewed his lip. The benefit of insomnia chess with Luther was that it kept him from dwelling on his thoughts, but his lagging late-night brain was a hell of a downside. He watched the board, mapping out infinite possible moves and counter-moves. He could take Luther’s queen, but should he? Luther played conservatively, but occasionally he would throw in a little risk to try to catch Five off-guard. Which Five knew, of course, so it never truly caught him, but sometimes the board stared up at him like a challenge and it was difficult to predict three moves ahead of him, parrying him in the intricate dance…

Something crashed through the door. 

Five and Luther turned, startled.

Diego fumbled backwards into the atrium, kissing a young man so ardently he could barely orient himself towards the stairs heading up to his room. The two of them stumbled a little, and Diego’s hand reached up to tangle in the man’s dark hair— the man gave a little breathy gasp, leaning against him, body slim against Diego’s bulk.

“Wanna get you upstairs,” Diego said, muffled in the twink’s neck. “God, you, nnh, taste so good already. Gonna spread you out on my bed and fucking own you, Christ.”

The twink moaned. He was practically humping Diego while they were staggering towards the stairs. Five caught sight of his slender frame, his dark hair, the way his body fit perfectly against Diego’s.

Then the twink picked up his head and saw them.

“Diego,” he said.

“What?” Diego said, turning his head.

Five locked eyes with him. 

It wasn’t on purpose. It wasn’t what he wanted. He was caught in Diego’s eyes like an unplanned move, a horrible accident, a deer in headlights. The twink was still latched onto Diego’s neck like a limpet, sucking a deep bruise. Five stared, frozen.

He couldn’t tell if he was the deer or the headlights.

Diego’s eyes widened.

“Uh,” the man said. “Are we still…?”

“Yeah,” Diego said, turning away. “C’mon.”

They stumbled up the stairs.

Five and Luther looked at each other.

“That boy,” Luther said. “Was I hallucinating, or did he look like…”

Five reached across the board and took his queen.

“Can you take sheet music out of the library?” Five said, walking through the stacks.

“I don’t know,” Vanya said, walking behind him. “I’ve never really tried.”

“Why not?”

“Well, I buy all my music,” Vanya said. “And I usually need pretty specific things for orchestra.”

“How much does that cost?” Five said.

“I can take care of myself, Five,” Vanya said, laughing.

“I wasn’t offering to take care of you,” Five said.

“I didn’t really think you were, you weirdo,” Vanya said. “But anyway, I write all over my music when I’m really working on it. I don’t think it would be in library condition.”

“I see,” Five said, turning a corner and running straight into a man’s chest.

He warped back instinctively, stumbling a little. He looked up, mouth already open to excoriate the person for not knowing where he was going, when he found himself staring into two familiar brown eyes.

“Diego?” Five said.

Diego startled. “Hey,” he said. He scratched his head. “Should have expected I’d run into you here. I guess this is your usual haunt, huh?”

“Yes,” Five said. “It’s not yours.”

“Maybe it is and you never noticed me,” Diego said.

“I notice everything,” Five said.

“Maybe I’ve just decided now it’s my new haunt,” Diego said. He looked over his shoulder. “You don’t know me.”

“Well, I certainly didn’t know you read books,” Five said.

“Damn, no faith,” Diego said. He looked around. “I read books.”

“What books do you like?” Five said.

“Hm?” Diego said.

Five narrowed his eyes. “Why are you here?”

“Because,” Diego said.

Vanya stifled a little laugh.

“Your case becomes more tenuous by the minute,” Five said. “You—”

“Hey,” a voice said from behind them.

Five turned.

A young man stood behind him. His posture was hunched a little, the phantom echo of hours poring over a desk. He was thin and finely-boned, and his clothes were preppy and neat. He had a boyish face, handsome and slight, and he raked his hand through his dark hair when he saw them all looking at him. 

“Hi,” he said. “Are you Diego?”

“Yes, yeah,” Diego said. “Hey.” His gaze lingered on Five for one second, two seconds, and then it slid to the man. “Was wondering when you were gonna show up.”

The man laughed. “I wouldn’t be much of a man if I bailed on the first date.”

Five’s stomach dropped.

“But are you with Diego?” the man said, looking at Five and Vanya. “I don’t mean to bother you, I—”

“They’re my siblings,” Diego said quickly. “Adopted.”

“Oh,” the man said. He looked at Five, whose expression was stone-cold. “I…”

“You don’t have to make small talk,” Diego said. “C’mon. Let’s go.”

The man looked over his shoulder as he followed Diego away.

Five set his jaw.

“Okay, is it my imagination, or did that kid look like—” Vanya started.

“I’ve decided I don’t want to be at the library anymore,” Five said. “Let’s go to your place.”

“Your coffee order is ridiculous,” Five said.

Allison tore open a straw, sticking it in the hole in the plastic bubble. “Live a little, Five. I bet they didn’t have Frappuccinos in the apocalypse.”

“They did not,” Five said.

Allison took a long sip, cheeks hollowing around the straw. “Here’s your chance to get one.”

“I know what they’re going to taste like,” Five said. “Cream and ice and sugar.”

“So? That’s awesome,” Allison said. “Sit right here and I’m going to go buy you one. No excuses.”

Five sat. It was endearing how hard Allison tried to be a good sister, and a little exhausting. He looked across the coffee shop, taking in the hunched men with laptops nursing long-drained cups in chairs by the outlets, the crowd of teenage girls waiting for their mobile orders, the pairs of people sitting across from each others at small tables by the window. A mother watching her young son nibble at a cake pop. A middle-aged couple reading books and sipping from tiny espresso cups. A couple on a first date, clearly; two men, one slim and pale and dark-haired and one with tan skin and brown eyes and a sweet, self-deprecating smile and a scar across his temple—

“I got you the S’mores one, I know you like marshmallow,” Allison said, coming back and taking a seat at the table. She pushed the cup across to Five. “You’re welcome.”

Her shoulder was blocking Five’s sightline.

“What?” Allison said. She turned in her seat, looking where Five was looking.

Diego laughed at something the man said.

“Jesus,” Allison said. “Is that Diego?”

Five nodded.

Allison looked over at them, and then looked at Five, and then looked back. “Is that _you?”_

Five crushed a napkin in his fist under the table.

Five was minding his own business in the kitchen when they all descended.

“Talk,” Allison said.

“Now,” Luther said.

“Please?” Vanya said.

Five filled in a square on his sudoku.

“Diego,” Luther said.

“Is into you,” Allison said.

“We can leave if you want,” Vanya said, “but…”

“I’ll only speak to you if you keep taking turns talking like that,” Five said, methodically erasing a 9.

Allison dropped into a chair at the table. Vanya dragged one up next to Five, leaving a little respectful distance. Luther just hovered.

“Either he’s obsessed with you, or he has a thing for twinks,” Allison said.

“And I don’t think he’s always had a thing for, ah, twinks,” Luther said.

“Oh my God, why are you so repressed?” Allison said. “It’s always a thing for you whenever you have to say the word ‘twink,’ it’s like a whole journey.”

“I’m not repressed,” Luther said.

“I mean—”

Vanya cleared her throat. “Five, will you please just talk to us?”

Five rewrote the 9 in the opposite corner.

“We really only have one question,” Luther said. “It would be two questions, but the first one was answered.”

“That’s too vague a statement,” Five said. “It’s muddled. I give it four out of ten as a conversation starter.”

“What, you want me to go through it piece by piece?” Luther said. “Fine. The premise is considering if you and Diego should get together—”

Vanya laid a hand on Five’s shoulder before Five could rebut him.

“And the first question,” Luther said, visibly grateful, “is whether Diego’s into you.”

“But that has been decisively answered,” Allison said.

“Decisively,” Five repeated, twirling his pen.

“Yeah,” Allison said. “I mean, you have to have noticed it. You’re supposed to be the perceptive one.”

“I am the perceptive one,” Five said.

“So you’ve definitely noticed Diego’s _specific_ string of sexual partners,” Allison said.

Five pursed his lips. Man after man in Diego’s embrace, caught in late-night rendezvous and daytime outings, a constant cycle of debauchery and identical young men with dark hair and discerning eyes and quiet dignity. Twink after twink after twink. A zoetrope of infinite men spinning to make one flickering image. Five was not stupid, nor was he willfully ignorant.

He was biding his time, he told himself.

“I have,” he said.

“There we go, now we’re getting somewhere,” Luther said.

“They all bear a peculiar resemblance to me,” Five said lightly. “How hard must that be to find? Probably not very.” He erased another number, smudging the paper.

“Diego could pick up anyone he wanted,” Allison said. “Historically, that has been girls who were too way too good for him and girls who were way too bad for him.”

“Hm,” Five said. “The twinks certainly disrupt that.”

“They’re their own pattern,” Vanya said softly. “And… he cares about you.”

Five bit his lip.

“He really does,” Allison said. “After Dallas… you told us yourself, with the bullets…”

It wasn’t just the bullets. Five cracked his knuckles. Diego’s attention on him in Texas had been so acute, so intense, that he hadn’t really known what to do with it. He’d felt a flood of relief and pain at seeing him brought out in shackles at the asylum, and when Diego winked at him it unspooled his last tether to what he’d expected. Now, Diego had cut his hair and shaved most of his goatee and begun to straighten himself out, and Five was left holding the memories.

Five exhaled. “I believe it,” he said. “I’m not being obtuse.”

“Okay, good,” Vanya said. “We knew you were smart.”

“Yeah,” Allison echoed. “So are you… do you care about him back?”

Diego’s face was the first Five had seen after landing in 1963. Diego was the one he’d searched a building for at night again and again, fueled by the sick sight of a pool of blood. When Diego stepped in front of him on the battlefield, Five ran in fear of what he’d see if he looked back. And now… Diego wasn’t really talking to him. He hadn’t been for a while. Five kept looking next to him for the sympathetic, savvy man who’d picked a lock and listened as Five told him about Reginald growing up, and he never found him. The man he’d grown to trust— to love— his brother— it put a sour taste in Five’s mouth to remember him turning to an endless wheel of sexual partners.

He missed him. 

“Can I ask a question of my own?” Five said, looking up at them.

“Sure,” Vanya said.

Five swallowed. “Why are you trying to set us up?”

Allison opened her mouth. Luther looked at her, and she bowed her head. Then Luther seemed to lose the nerve to speak, and Vanya picked at the tablecloth.

“I don’t like it when people play matchmaker with me,” Five said. “I don’t like when people assume they know my life better than I do. So if this is… if it’s just gossip to you, don’t pursue it.”

“It’s not just gossip,” Allison said softly. “The two of you seem like you’re pulling so hard in different directions, when all you really want is to be together.”

Five closed his eyes.

“Sometimes it’s hard to give you advice,” Luther said. “Because— you’re very proud. And I get that. I get that better than _anyone.”_

“Better than anyone except Five and Diego,” Vanya said.

Luther smiled. “Exactly.” He sobered, though. “I spent most of my life cutting myself off from… things. Important things. And we’re here because we don’t want you to end up unhappy when you could be very happy.”

“It’s not condescending,” Allison said.

“I’m not sure you get to decide that,” Five said, but he sank back in his chair. He rubbed his face. “It’s… I’ve noticed it. The partners. The similarities. And I…”

Why couldn’t he talk? Why was he so intellegent, but unable to ever express himself?

“There’s no rush,” Allison said. “But you should probably do it soon.”

“That’s inconsistent,” Luther said.

Allison swatted him. “If you want him and he wants you— I really don’t see a more foolproof situation. I think you should jump on it.”

“Yeah?” Five said, heart lifting a little. The idea of asking Diego out made his chest start to pound.

“Absolutely,” Luther said. “You’re up for it.”

Five was up for it.

“You deserve it,” Vanya said. She squeezed his hand. “Go get yours.”

Five took a six-mile walk, solved three proofs, went to the grocery store, and cooked dinner. He made a crispy fried egg over rice and mixed it with vegetables and chili sauce. He turned to a bad movie on TV and alternated between watching and looking down at his book. Eventually he turned everything off and paced for a while, footfalls rhythmic up and down the hallway.

Then he went to bed.

“So,” Klaus said, sliding onto the couch next to Five in the atrium. “Three little birds told me you’re banging our hottest brother.”

Five jerked, heart racing. “Excuse me?”

“They said tomorrow you were propositioning him,” Klaus said. “And that was yesterday. Ergo, today is tomorrow. Tomorrow is today? You’re supposed to be the logician here, old timer.”

“Don’t call me that,” Five said. “Also, everyone needs to stop surprising me. Sometimes— in fact, most of the time— I’d prefer not to be bombarded with drivel.”

“So how was it?” Klaus said, slapping the brocaded back of the sofa.

Five sighed.

“Five,” Klaus said.

“Don’t believe everything three little birds tell you,” Five said.

“No, but it was our three most trustworthy little birds,” Klaus said. “Luther and Vanya don’t embellish. They don’t even gossip.”

“Clearly,” Five said, “they do.”

“Wait, slow down,” Klaus said. “Fact check me.”

Five debated leaving.

“Come on,” Klaus said, a little gentler. “This is your chance to get the story straight.”

“Fine,” Five said. “Tell me your version and I’ll fact check it.”

“Diego’s been screwing guys who look exactly like you,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“He acts embarrassed when you encounter him with one of these lookalikes,” Klaus said.

“True,” Five said.

“You want to bang him,” Klaus said.

Five hesitated. “True.”

“You propositioned him?”

“False,” Five said.

“What!” Klaus said. “You were almost there! What happened?”

Five exhaled. There was no way he could tell anyone about the cloud of anxiety that had expanded inside him the second Allison and Luther and Vanya, whirring with static at the prospect of confronting Diego. Nothing could describe the absolute blankness he faced when he forced himself to string two words together. _Hey, Diego, I’ve seen you with all these twinks and I was wondering— Diego, stay late after dinner?— Diego—_ His palms went sweaty whenever he thought about Diego advancing on him, broad and tall and confident with that easy smile and wicked scar and that lilting voice. Five wasn’t cut out for romance. Diego was. If Five approached him, Diego would realize the lookalikes did it better.

“Ohh,” Klaus said.

“Don’t pity me,” Five said.

“Is there something to pity you for?” Klaus said.

“Don’t,” Five said.

“Five,” Klaus said. “You’re so wrapped up in yourself. I’m trying to help.”

This galled Five, which he recognized objectively wasn’t fair. Klaus wanted to help him. Except Five didn’t even have the language to describe what he didn’t know how to do, and Klaus would swoop in and provide him with words that didn’t fit in Five’s mouth, and Five would have to thank him.

And if Five stayed silent, Klaus would do it anyway.

“I prefer to proceed with prudence,” Five said. “It doesn’t concern you.”

“Prudence is for risky situations,” Klaus said. “Prudence is something I need when I barrel into a paint store in 1963 to try to seduce my young late beau. Prudence is not something you lack.”

“I know I don’t lack it,” Five said. “That’s why I’m proceeding with it.”

“But you don’t need to be worried about it,” Klaus said. “You have so much already, you can just forget thinking about it.”

“No, I can’t,” Five said. “What else would stop me from barreling into a paint store in 1963 to try to seduce my young late beau?”

“Yowch,” Klaus said. “Too soon, brother mine.”

Five looked down. “Sorry.”

“But seriously,” Klaus said. “Like… I could see trying to be prudent if it seemed like he didn’t like you. If it seemed like he might be into someone else.”

“He is into someone else,” Five said.

“He’s into multiple someone elses that all form a pretty convincing picture of you,” Klaus said.

Five smiled a little. “You’re trying to win me over with statistics?”

“What?” Klaus said. “No, no. I would never do math on purpose.”

“You’re saying the evidence points to a trend in… wanting me,” Five said. The words tasted like sand on his tongue.

“Exactly,” Klaus said. “Exactly.”

Whenever Diego made eye contact with Five, it was an accident. And he looked away fast.

“Which is why it makes no sense that you haven’t jumped on his dick,” Klaus said. “I’m not trying to be flippant, but if this isn’t the perfect time and place to make a move— what is?”

The next time Diego walked into the atrium, perhaps Five wouldn’t look away. He’d stare him dead in the eye. Hunt for keeps. As an assassin, he’d never missed his target.

Five took a deep breath. He looked up, meeting Klaus’s eyes. “Yeah,” he said. “I can do it.”

“Grace?” Five said, leaning against the railing of the mezzanine.

As part of their refurbishment of the Academy, Diego and Luther had worked for days to restore Grace to full capacity— and then some. They’d spent long afternoons working on her wiring, Grace’s head lolling peacefully in artificial sleep as they untangled Reginald’s demands. Five’s stomach lurched a little at the memory of Diego crouched by her chair, tongue poking between his teeth in concentration.

“What do you need?” Grace said, emerging from a room and snapping Five out of his trance.

“Oh,” Five said. He hated feeling this stupid. “I… do you know where Diego is?”

Christ! His palms were sweating. He was fifty-eight; there was no reason for him to act like a twelve-year old at her first school dance.

Grace smiled, dazzling. “He’s out back in the garden, dear.”

“We have a garden?” Five said.

“We will,” Grace said brightly. “Diego’s been installing some lovely plants. Then we’ll be able to sit outside and enjoy a pleasant afternoon.”

“I see,” Five said.

“So he’s out back,” Grace said.

Five looked at her for a moment, trying to discern the subtle difference between new Grace and old Grace. It was always too intangible to pin down. “Sure,” he said. “Thank you.”

He made his way to the courtyard, stepping through the shadowed hallways of the Academy. The inside of the building was simultaneously bigger and smaller than he remembered. When he finally stepped outside into sun, he stopped.

Diego was digging a hole. The garden lay in progress around him, piles of dirt mounding next to fragile plant starts. The sun beat down on Diego’s back: his button-down lay discarded across the courtyard, and he was digging only in a simple black tank top that exposed the broad muscles of his back and shoulders, sweaty with the gloss of hard work.

His arms. How had Five never noticed how formidable they looked?

Five cleared his throat. “A garden?”

Diego startled, looking over his shoulder. Then he relaxed into an easy smirk. “An intruder?”

“I live here,” Five said, warping over to lean against the wall near Diego. “Why a garden?”

Diego tossed another shovelful of dirt into the pile, then stuck his spade in the ground. “Mom said she’d be open to venturing out of the house,” he said. “I thought she’d like a garden.”

Five opened his mouth. The image of Diego leading Grace outdoors, watching her face as it transformed from polite entertainment to open awe…

He would never be that good a son.

“I’m sure she will,” he said.

Diego was watching him. “Yeah?”

“Yes,” Five said. “She likes beautiful things.”

Diego smiled. “Her paintings.”

“And she keeps the house beautiful, too,” Five said.

“We’re trying to train her out of that,” Diego said.

“What?” Five said. “Why?”

“Because it’s regressive and unnecessary,” Diego said. He pointed at Five. “Luther and I have been reading about it. Mid-century gender roles are some stifling shit.”

“I’m sure,” Five said dryly. “As soon as you upload _The Feminine Mystique_ into her code, she’ll riot.”

“I don’t want to keep her confined,” Diego said.

“Is it confinement?” Five said. “She likes it.”

“She’s been _trained_ to like it,” Diego said. “Dad wanted a servant, so he just— took the docile parts of his old girlfriend and made them into… something else.”

Five opened his mouth, and then closed it. He would never see eye to eye with the rest of them about Grace. Her programming was all she was— nothing more, nothing less.

Diego turned back to the shovel, his shoulders set. “And I don’t think anyone deserves to be locked up.”

Five was a _disaster_ at flirting.

“But that’s what I mean,” he said. “I don’t know that she sees it as being locked up. Whenever I see her cleaning the house— she looks happy. She takes pride in keeping it beautiful.”

“Huh,” Diego said.

Five lifted his shoulders in a shrug. “I’m not the one who spends time with her. You are. You make the call.”

“No, you have a point,” Diego said. His voice was gentler. “I’ll think about that. Keep that in mind.”

“Yeah,” Five said, shifting his weight. He looked down. “What are you planting?”

Diego looked down too. “New bushes,” he said. “Old ones were all withered and dying. Like mummified hands.” He made his fingers into a claw, pointing at Five.

“There were other metaphors you could have chosen,” Five said.

“Yeah, but I didn’t,” Diego said. “Mummified witch hands. That’s what they were like.” He beckoned with his claw.

Five smiled. “And these new ones aren’t?”

Diego looked down at the plant he’d already installed, small and delicate in the patted-down dirt. “They’re lilacs.”

“Oh,” Five said. “They’re… nice.”

Diego petted the leaves with one hand. “Gonna be pretty when they grow.”

“Oh,” Five said again.

Biologically, Diego carried none of Grace’s genes. But when they caressed beautiful things, he might as well have been her double.

“But for real,” Diego said. “You don’t think it’s a bad idea, do you?”

Five looked at Diego, shaken out of his reverie.

Diego had still been watching him, he realized.

“No,” he said. “It’s not a bad idea.”

Diego laughed a little, visibly relieved. “Sometimes you go quiet and I feel like you’re calculating the worth of what I’m saying.”

“What?” Five said. “No, I— no.” He swallowed. “I think Grace will really enjoy your garden.”

“’S not just mine,” Diego said. “It’s for her.”

“But you’ll be spending all the time here,” Five said. “Planting. Doing the hard work. She’ll enjoy it when it’s all in bloom, but you’re enjoying it now.” Christ, had he always been so awkward?”

“Huh,” Diego said.

Five flexed his hand. “It’s a good idea. To do it.”

“Yeah?” Diego said.

“And you look like you’re good at it,” Five said.

“What? Hell no,” Diego said, looking down at the baby lilac bush. “It’s gonna grow up all crooked, watch. I don’t know shit about plants.”

“You look good doing it,” Five blurted out.

Diego stopped.

“I mean,” Five said. There was no air, suddenly. “You… it’s good. For you.”

Diego seemed to recede slightly. “Yeah?”

“Yeah,” Five said. He waved his hand. “It’s good.”

“You keep saying that,” Diego said, smiling a little.

Five shrugged. He felt self-conscious. “It’s true. It seems like what you’re supposed to be doing. And that, ah, shirt you’re wearing— you look…”

Diego’s eyes were big.

Five swallowed. “You should be here more often. When I’m here. Maybe wearing that. And stay longer.”

For a moment, everything stopped.

Diego’s mouth opened for a question. 

Five’s gut burned with humiliation, suddenly overwhelmed. Before Diego could get a word out, he warped away.

Five saw Diego often enough that he had a chance for a do-over, he figured. That would be his approach. Making moves incrementally, layering them shallow and subtle, waves lapping at the shore.

Which was fine, until Diego came home that night.

“Jesus,” Diego said, muffled through the wall as he stumbled down the hallway with the man. “You’re so fucking pretty, you know that?”

Five curled on his side in his bed, covering his head with the pillow. 

“Nnh, yeah, yeah,” the twink panted. “You—”

Five couldn’t quite tell what he was saying, blocked by the wall, obstructed by the specific sickness in his stomach. The Academy was so empty that usually Diego could find another room to fuck in than the suite of their childhood bedrooms. Was he making a point tonight?

There was a thump against the wall, and Five startled.

“Gotta be careful,” Diego said. “Shh.”

His voice seemed different. 

“You shh,” the twink said. “Thought you didn’t mind being a little bold with it.”

“Not here,” Diego said. “We gotta get away from this hallway. Then we can be loud.”

Five relaxed a little, but his gut was still tense.

“Why?” the twink said, laughing. “Isn’t this old house empty?”

“Couple other people live here,” Diego said.

Five’s stomach lurched.

“Oh,” the twink said. “Who?”

“My brothers.”

“Whoa. Are you some family that’s… are you, like—”

“Rich?”

“… I wasn’t gonna say it, but—”

“Not in a fun way. I put away enough that I’ll be able to live comfortably without killing myself at a job I hate. But don’t expect me to be your sugar daddy.”

Despite himself, Five smiled at that. Diego had lived meagerly long enough to know the value of relief from expenses, but he despised luxury.

“Aw,” the twink said. “You’d be good at it.”

“No, I wouldn’t.”

“Yes, you would.”

“No, I wouldn’t. ‘Cause I don’t want to be. If I had someone hanging off my arm going _daddy please cash please,_ I’d kick them to the curb in two seconds. And besides— like I said, I don’t want to throw my money away; whatever I don’t use in my life is gonna go to my siblings and my mom. So don’t ask me for a Rolex.”

“How’d we even get on this topic? Weren’t you going to rail me til I cried?”

Five’s breath hitched.

“Yeah,” Diego said, and his voice was lower, and Five hated him a little. “Christ. Yeah. You’re…”

“I’m what?”

Five waited.

“Pretty,” Diego said. “I’ve had… a day.”

“Oh?” the twink said, clearly out of his depth. “Do you, uh, want… to talk… about it?”

“No, I want to fuck you about it,” Diego said. “That’s what I do when I don’t want to think.”

Harsh, Five thought.

“… Okay.”

“I didn’t mean for it to come out that way. It came out wrong. I just— look, don’t hold it against me, yeah? Like I said— I got a lot on my mind.”

Five held his breath. He felt heavy and disoriented, confused like there was some upside to this situation that he should have been grasping. If Diego was confused— if something had happened that day— something he couldn’t stop thinking about, something he had to have sex with another man to distract himself from—

“Well,” the twink said, “I’d be happy to distract you tonight. And then once you’re over whatever this is, we should meet up again and have proper sex.”

Five’s eyes went wide.

“Yeah,” Diego said. There was only a moment’s pause. “Yeah, we should.”

Five warped down to the kitchen early.

He made his coffee efficiently, soaking up the silence like it could save him from the awkwardness gathering on the horizon. None of Diego’s companions had lasted longer than a night before— or at least, so Five thought. Maybe Diego was seeing all of them in private. Going on dates. Fucking at their apartments. Moving away from the Academy, away from the family, into infinite arms.

Five had _tried_ to make a move. He thought he had.

Maybe Diego hadn’t noticed. But if Diego was so infatuated with him, wouldn’t Diego notice everything? If Five had been the one to receive a botched and curt compliment, he’d have lain in bed for hours working it through in his mind. He wouldn’t have missed it.

 _But,_ Allison’s voice sounded in his head, earnest and a little smug, _Diego’s been going out and sleeping with all your lookalikes. And you didn’t do anything._

But Diego hadn’t made a move to Five’s face.

Five exhaled, suddenly tired and itchy. The coffee was still percolating. If Diego’s beau came downstairs, Five might have to teleport to Siberia.

The coffeemaker went off. Five busied himself selecting a mug, only having to stand a little on his tiptoes to grab it from the cabinet. Perks of no longer being 13. He brought his mug to the counter and poured his coffee, watching the hot, dark stream, and then he took a sip. Grace always set out the cream and sugar on a little tray, and Five always pushed it aside.

“Feels like a fuck-you to Dad to make coffee in this kitchen,” a voice said. 

Five looked up.

Diego leaned against the doorframe, smiling at him. His short hair was disheveled, his tank top was worn thin, his stubble was growing in, and he was as gorgeous as ever. Five’s breath hitched as he took in the sight of his gray sweatpants. The loose fabric skimmed his legs, stretching over his thighs, folding artfully and showing the barest outline, the tempting shadow, of a bulge at the front.

“I mean, I dig it,” Diego said. “But what are you doing up this early?”

It was unfair.

“I suppose I could ask the same of you,” Five said, taking a sip of his coffee.

Diego raised his eyebrows.

Five looked at him unblinkingly.

“Okay, I guess we’re gonna settle this,” Diego said, sitting down. “You’ve been avoiding me.”

“You’ve been avoiding _me,”_ Five said.

“I see you plenty,” Diego said.

“You scuttle away when you see me,” Five said, taking another, longer sip. “Because you’re always preoccupied.”

“Preoccupied?”

“Preoccupied.”

There was a long silence.

“Is this about me having sex?” Diego said, reaching his hand across the table for Five’s mug of coffee.

Five snatched it back. “No. There’s no _this._ Nothing’s wrong.” 

“Never took you for a liar,” Diego said.

Five set his jaw.

“We’ve both been avoiding each other,” Diego said. “But… there’s something going on with you.”

“You don’t know anything,” Five said.

“Fine,” Diego said, standing up again. “If I’m not getting anything out of you, I can leave—

“It isn’t about the act of you having sex,” Five bit out.

Diego sat back down, looking at him.

Five took a sip of his coffee. He wanted dearly to teleport, but that would be the coward’s move.

“But it’s sex-related,” Diego said.

“Sex-adjacent,” Five said.

Diego smiled, looking off to the side.

“What?” Five said.

“Nothing,” Diego said.

Five narrowed his eyes.

“Hey, two can play at this game, baby,” Diego said. “You don’t tell me shit, I won’t tell you shit.”

“Two can play,” Five said. “Only one can win.”

“Neat,” Diego said, picking up a spoon and spinning it in his fingers.

There was a long silence.

Five shifted in his chair. If he angled himself right, he could see the beginnings of a bruise where the man from last night had been sucking on Diego’s neck. He’d looked ravenous. He’d gotten the chance to latch himself onto all that beautiful tan skin, to plaster himself against Diego’s chest, to kiss and lick and suck— but he’d gotten Diego’s smile, too. He’d been let in on that rare delicacy.

“Why do you pick a new boy every time?” Five said.

Diego looked up at him, startled.

“Every time I’ve seen you, it’s with someone new,” Five said, running his finger down the porcelain of the coffee mug. “Why?”

Diego turned the spoon over in his fingers. “Easier, I guess.”

“In what way?” Five said. “Surely you have to… pull each one anew?”

“Yeah, I do,” Diego said. “But it’s routine. All I need to do is head to a bar and turn on the charm. Or— I find them at the gym, or somewhere. And then it’s autopilot until the day after.”

Five frowned.

“Don’t jump down my throat about it,” Diego said. “I never said it was healthy or anything.”

“I didn’t make a judgment,” Five said. “Do _you_ think it’s unhealthy?”

“Would I be doing it if it were unhealthy?” Diego said.

“Diego,” Five said.

Diego arched an eyebrow.

“You were an unneeded vigilante for years,” Five said. “You went out at night and hurled yourself against criminals for the heroism high. Unhealthy has never stopped you.”

Diego recoiled. “Jesus. You really go from zero to sixty, don’t you?”

“I tell the truth,” Five said.

“Health is relative,” Diego said.

“Is it?” Five said.

Diego rolled the handle of the spoon between his fingers. “Everything needs context. What’s healthy for one person is toxic for another. What’s healthy for one person one day might be toxic for the same person two days later. The way I see it, healthy means advancing you towards feeling better. Being better.”

“One-night stands with a parade of identical twinks,” Five said. “Does that advance you towards being better?”

Diego’s knuckles went white.

“You think it’s unhealthy,” Five said. “What are you avoiding?”

“Okay, Hannibal Lecter, how’s this?” Diego said, finally looking up at him. “Why are you monitoring me so closely? Why do you keep a record of every guy I see so they can fit your confirmation bias pattern of _identical twinks?_ Why were you here waiting for me to come down?”

Five opened his mouth.

“Why do you never say what you want?” Diego said, leaning across the table.

Five’s mouth was dry.

“It’s easier,” he said.

Diego sat back.

Five cleared his throat. “What do you— think I want?”

“What do you think I’m doing with all the identical twinks?” Diego said.

They stared at each other.

“You say it’s easier to go out and find new people who meet your standards every time you want sex,” Five said. “How is that easier than… taking advantage of what’s already there?”

Diego’s eyes flitted down Five’s body, then back up to his face, lingering on his lips. “Because if you tell a guy you’ll never see him again before you fuck, there are no stakes.”

“And you only want sex?” Five said, stomach curdling.

“With the parade of twinks I pick up off the street?” Diego said. “Yeah.”

“Is that what you want in general?” Five said.

Diego flipped the spoon in the air, catching it. “No.”

“But anything more than that has… stakes,” Five said.

Diego flipped the spoon higher, watching its arc. “Yeah.”

The room was quiet.

“And some relationships,” Five said, “are very high stakes indeed. If they’re with someone you’re… tied to.”

“Might be a reason some of those relationships are taboo,” Diego said.

“If your— preferred partner rejected you,” Five said. “I can see how that would be excruciating.”

“Yeah,” Diego said quietly.

“But maybe,” Five said, “it’s worse to flaunt a never-ending litany of lookalikes in front of him.”

Diego set down the spoon.

Five held his breath. He was dancing ever closer to the truth, a piece of paper venturing towards the flame and pulling away before it could catch fire. Untouchable in its hesitance. Suspended in deliberation.

“Move that coffee cup,” Diego said.

“What?” Five said.

“Move that coffee cup,” Diego said. “Because it’s gonna fall off.”

“What?” Five said, baffled. He pushed it aside with his arm. “Why—”

Diego got up and walked around the table. Five looked up at him as he approached, breathless, and then Diego grabbed him and pinned him to the table and kissed him.

Five could barely breathe.

“You were jealous, huh?” Diego said, pressing him into the table. He had one hand working down the front of Five’s pants, and his body was warm and firm where it pressed against Five. “When you heard me with all of them?”

“Nnnh,” Five said. “Do you always— pin your twinks horizontal when you kiss them?”

“I’ve always kinda wanted to have sex in a kitchen,” Diego said, lips moving against Five’s neck.

Five hooked his leg around Diego’s back, thumping him with his foot. “You think you’re getting that this morning?”

“Am I not?”

Diego kept doing this thing with his mouth that made Five go hot all over. It was hard to concentrate. Five had to gather every ounce of willpower he had to push Diego away and sit up.

Diego stumbled back. “Okay, okay.”

“I need to know that this isn’t just sex for you,” Five said.

Diego’s face went sober. “Didn’t we just have this conversation?”

“We had _a_ conversation,” Five said. “But… I think we need to stop tiptoeing around it.”

There was a silence. Five watched Diego’s face intently.

“It’s not just sex for me,” Diego said.

Five bit his lip. “Me neither.”

Diego cracked his knuckles.

“What?” Five said.

“Nothing,” Diego said.

Five narrowed his eyes.

Diego laughed a little. “You’re intense, you know that?”

“You weren’t satisfied with them,” Five said. “You tried having meaningless sex with every twink who’d say yes to you. You want a real relationship with a real person with real stakes, and… now you have it. What gives?”

Diego closed his eyes. “I’m not great at relationships.”

Five watched him.

“Come on,” Diego said. “Look. Last two girlfriends I had, one ended up dead and one ended up trying to kill me. I’ve never hit it right. I either close all the way up or trust way too quick.”

“That’s a small sample size,” Five said.

“You wanna count all the girls I tried to start something with at the police academy?” Diego said. “I’m not good at it. Even if I want you and you want me, there’s no guarantee it’ll shake out how we want it to.”

“Sure,” Five said.

“That’s meant to be serious,” Diego said.

“I know that,” Five said. “I’m just not bothered.”

Diego raised his eyebrows.

Five shrugged. “I understand the risks of dating someone you care about. To me…” He inhaled. “I trust you. I don’t do that easily. I’m not someone who could have casual sex to take my mind off something more important— I _always_ want to be with the most important thing. The most important person.” _You._ “So… I want to make sure that you’re not going to…”

“Ditch you after one night?” Diego said.

Five nodded.

“Sweetheart,” Diego said, softer. “I wouldn’t. I swear.”

Five’s head jerked up. He hated pet names; he couldn’t shake the memory of the Handler’s oil spill of affection. But from Diego, it was different.

He couldn’t describe it. It lit him up deeper than words.

“I’m never going to ditch you,” Diego said. “You’re— Christ, you’re everything to me. When you showed up in the asylum—”

“Don’t,” Five said. “I left you there.”

“But after the asylum,” Diego said, leaning forward. “You were my rock.”

“Lila was your rock,” Five said, and his heart was in his throat, and he didn’t want to relitigate this, but Diego seemed so convinced that Five was someone he was not. That Five was someone better.

“No, you were,” Diego said. “My family always comes first. You know that.”

Five looked at him.

Diego swallowed. “And you always know what you’re doing. You have a plan. You’ve seen everything, you could go anywhere, and you choose to spend your time on Earth with your dysfunctional-ass family.”

Five smiled a little.

“For real,” Diego said, coming closer. “That’s my subjective opinion, so you have to believe it.”

“Is that so?” Five said, letting him approach. “I have to accept everything you say as dogma?”

“You are impossible to please,” Diego said. “Take the love I’m giving you. No returns.”

Five looked up at him. From up close, Diego was much softer than he looked from afar. His breath was warm, and his voice was informal and unguarded, not the dirty-talk purr of a leading man in a porno. His clothes were faded. The outline of a nipple ring pressed against the fabric of his tank top. Five loved him.

If Diego wanted to have sex with him, and he told Five he wasn’t going to leave, why was Five denying?

Diego’s eyes were big.

Five’s eyes tracked over his face. Maybe this was how Diego showed affection. Maybe this was his language. Maybe it was up to Five to take the extended hand.

“Okay,” he said. “But I have a confession.”

“What?” Diego said.

“I’ve always wanted to have sex on a kitchen table,” Five said, leaning back and arching up towards him.

Five was panting, body trembling, his hand tangled tight in Diego’s hair as Diego sucked his cock. The table was unforgiving against his back and he seized, biting out a cry as Diego licked a stripe up the underside of his dick. “Diego,” he gasped. “Diego—”

Diego’s hand came up, finding Five’s, and he squeezed.

Diego’s skin was rough and warm. Five moaned. The pleasure coursed through him, ecstatic and euphoric— _fuck_ all those other twinks, he thought with a hot rush of adrenaline. Fuck anyone and everyone whom Diego had touched before him. He panted, mouth open, Diego’s suction overwhelming; he opened one eye and the sight of Diego’s cheeks hollowed along the length of his cock made him groan. “Nnnh, so good,” he choked out. “Am I— aah, better than them? You like me more?”

Diego nodded, mouth full of cock.

Five yanked his hair. “Good. ’S how it should be.” He watched hungrily as Diego’s head bobbed. “This is all you’re getting from now on. You’re not disappointed, are you?”

Diego shook his head.

“You don’t wish you were with them?” Five said. He pulled Diego’s hair hard enough to hurt. “You don’t miss a revolving door of dicks and asses with no consequences?”

“Nnnn, no,” Diego said, garbled. His lips were slick, and Five’s cock fell out of his mouth when he spoke, wet and shiny. “Only you. You know that.” He pushed it back into his mouth, lips forming a lewd seal around it.

Five had to tip his head back. “Christ. _Christ.”_ He was so close to coming. He had to memorize everything about this moment: Diego looked _perfect_ beneath him, nestled between his legs and nursing at his cock, sucking him unabashedly and without remorse. Those big dark eyes, looking up at him. Those full lips, wrapped around Five’s dick. That gorgeous body, all at Five’s disposal.

He could have this any time he wanted, he realized.

Five tipped his head back. “Fuck,” he said. “Fuck— Diego, _Diego,_ I’m gonna—!”

“This table cannot support the weight of two people,” Five mumbled.

“You’re no fun,” Diego said, voice sounding throaty. He wiped his mouth. “Am I supposed to pull up a chair and sit and watch you recover?”

“Mmhmm,” Five said.

“Spoiled brat,” Diego said.

“Your spoiled brat,” Five said.

Diego smiled. “Yeah. You are.”

Five melted under that smile.

“You going to get me off?” Diego said.

Five raised one eyebrow, lazy and content. “Am I gonna what?”

Diego smacked his wrist, laughing. “Spoiled little bitch.”

Five sat up, making a noise of distress as his back cracked. “I’ll get you off,” he said. “In a minute. In a second. When I want.” He watched Diego, captivated. There was no upper limit to how much time he could spend looking at this boy.

“You’re doing a hell of a job of taking care of me,” Diego said, voice fond.

Five smiled. “I _will,”_ he said. “Just gotta tell you something.”

“One thing?” Diego said, leaning in to listen.

Five stretched up, kissing Diego. “You’re mine,” he whispered. “All mine.”

**Author's Note:**

> [electra-xt](https://electra-xt.tumblr.com/) on Tumblr, taking prompts, come say hello!


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